You've probably seen it happen. (You'll recognize it from middle school.) "You must love me best" is accompanied by "I hate your other friends." What is that about? Grown-ups have a lot of friends for different reasons and with different characteristics. Other grown-ups like that about their friends and appreciate the richness of their lives. Grown-ups do not throw tantrums about their friends loving other people nor do they engage at fist fights with your other friends at your wedding.
If someone says yes to being in your wedding, they've said yes to being in YOUR wedding. That means it's not really going to be about them and their likes and dislikes. (But you DO want to choose dresses that flatter them because you love them!) You get to expect each of your bridesmaids to be
a cheerleader during your wedding planning process,
a support on the days of the wedding,
a hankie and bouquet holder during the wedding ceremony
a strong support of your wedding vows and your marriage for the rest of your life.
If they can't agree to do that because they're competing for your attention, they're not being your friends. You don't need to be bridezilla to understand that actually this wedding pretty much is ALL ABOUT YOU and your beloved. Friends want their friends to be happy always, but particularly on their wedding day. That means putting aside grievances with other friends and being a grown-up. (Miss Manners will tell you it's the best revenge, anyway! My new sister-in-law kills my former sister in law with kindness about what a great person she is, it annoys the heck out of FSIL!)
Supposing that there isn't some really horrible and real reason for these women not to like one another, what to do?
Tell them both you'd like them to serve as your bridesmaid and that you're asking your other friend to be your bridesmaid as well.
Tell them that you love them both and that you won't choose between your friends. Explain that it's unfair of them to ask that of you.
Explain that you're going to need their support on that day and in your life ahead.
Ask if there's anything you can do (without getting caught in the middle) to make it easier for both of them to work this out.
Remind them that there's a lot of life ahead where they'll be invited to family events and that you really want them to be there.
Remind them that it takes a lot more energy to maintain enemies than it does to have people you just aren't that enamored of.
You may have known and loved them forever, but if they can't work this out, they don't love you in a way that's healthy and helpful. You deserve healthy, helpful (fun) friendships. And you, your partner and your marriage deserve the utmost respect. Ask for it, and you'll most likely get it. Your marriage will thrive in their friendship. And your friendships will be so much easier!
Bottom Line?: Give your relationship the chance it deserves to succeed wildly, against all odds! After all, you deserve it. Your relationship deserves it! And now I'd like to invite you to sign up to receive 2 free templates for creating the wedding ceremony of your dreams, the wedding vows of your heart and the marriage of a lifetime: http://annkeelerevans.org/weddings/free
The Rev. Ann Keeler Evans - helping you move from "I do" to happily and healthily ever after!
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